HEY WIFE SEVEN NIGHTS DRUNK:
When I came home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk can be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
I said to my wife, (Hey Wife), will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door, where my old horse should be.
She said...you drunken fool you silly old fool still you cannot see
That's nothing but a milk cow, my mother sent to me
Well many a road I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a milk cow, sure I've never seen before.

When I came home on Tuesday night, as drunk as drunk can be
I saw a coat upon the hook where my old coat should be
I said to my wife, (Hey Wife), will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat upon the hood, where my old coat should be
She said...you drunken fool you silly old fool still you cannot see
That's nothing but a blanket, my mother sent to me
Well many a road I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But buttons on a blanket, sure I've never seen before

When I came home on Wednesday night, as drunk as drunk can be
I saw a hat upon the chair where my old hat should be
I said to my wife, (Hey Wife), will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that hat upon the chair where my old hat should be
She said...you drunken fool you silly old fool still you cannot see
That's nothing but a chamber pot, my mother sent to me
Well many a road I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a chamber pot sized 7 1/2, I've never seen before

When I came home on Thursday night, as drunk as drunk can be
I saw a pipe upon the desk where my old pipe should be
I said to my wife, (Hey Wife), will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe upon the desk where my old pipe should be
She said...you drunken fool you silly old fool still you cannot see
That's nothing but a tin whistle, my mother sent to me
Well many a road I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle, I've never seen before

When I came home on Friday night, as drunk as drunk can be
I saw two boots beside the bed, where my old boots should be
I said to my wife, (Hey Wife), will you kindly tell to me
Who owns those boots beside the bed, where my old boots should be
She said...you drunken fool you silly old fool still you cannot see
That's nothing but geranium pots, my mother sent to me
Well many a road I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But laces on geranium pots, I've never seen before

When I came home on Saturday night, as drunk as drunk can be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
I said to my wife, (Hey Wife), will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be
She said...you drunken fool you silly old fool still you cannot see
That's nothing but a statue, my mother sent to me
Well many a road I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But a statue blowing smoke rings, sure I've never seen before

When I came home on Sunday night, as drunk as drunk can be
I saw a man running out the door at a little bit after three
I said to my wife, (Hey Wife), will you kindly tell to me
Who was that man running out the door at a little bit after three
She said...you drunken fool you silly old fool still you cannot see
That's just the tax collector, the crown has sent to me
Well many a road I've traveled, a hundred miles or more
But an Englishman who can last all night, sure I've never seen before
Na na na na na na na na na na na na nah!